MELLERS
16-12-2002, 07:23 PM
Got these mailed from a friend:
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If
you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
Received: From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt. And, if you don't know how
to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favourite.
Weather at our destination is 20 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airways."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our
compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children...or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas Airways is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight."
Heard on Qantas Airways just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know
what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After
an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except
for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of Qantas."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and
relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, thecaptain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. "You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should
see the back of mine!"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If
you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
Received: From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt. And, if you don't know how
to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favourite.
Weather at our destination is 20 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airways."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our
compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children...or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas Airways is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight."
Heard on Qantas Airways just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know
what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After
an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except
for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of Qantas."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and
relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, thecaptain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. "You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should
see the back of mine!"