Dan
09-04-2003, 06:03 AM
A biker awoke in the middle of a cold winter night to sounds coming from his shed. Looking out he saw someone carrying stuff out to a van.
Being lazy, he called the police saying he was being robbed, the desk cop said no one was available, call back in an hour.
The biker hung up, counted to 30 and called again and said I called you earlier about being robbed, don't bother sending anyone I got my gun and shot the punk dead.
Within in minutes the cops arrived guns drawn and arrested the burglar red handed. The ranking officer, with an attitude, said to the biker, the Desk Sargent said you had killed someone.
The biker said that’s funny cause the Desk Sargent told me, “no one was available, call back in an hour.”
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Speeding?
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem.
The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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I Want To Join Your Club!
The little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope... but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times."
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A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried to get the trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper lectured the biker about speeding, and in generaly gave the biker a hard time.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."
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Bologna and Cheese
A road worn Biker walked into a whore house, handed the Madam $500. In a slow, gruff voice the Biker told the Madam he wanted a warm beer, a bologna and cheese sandwich, and a fat ugly woman.
Dear sir, the Madam replied, for that kind if money you can have a fine meal, and a beautiful woman.
The Biker peered at the Madam. Look lady, I’m not hungry or horny,,, just home sick.
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2 Fleas decide to go to Bike Week at Daytona. the first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. the second flea was very sick. The first flea asks him why he is so sick. the second flea says, I cought a ride in a bikers mustache on the way here it was freezing, sleeting and snowing. The first flea says, Next year do what i do. I go to a colledge dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful girl and catch a ride in her hair. So the next year the first flea again arrives early. the second flea arrives later and he is sick again this year even worse. The first flea asks, why did'nt you try what i told ya to do last year? The second flea says, I DID- I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing i know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.
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Randy walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks ''Where are your tampons ?'' The clerk goes, ''Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left.'' Randy disappears down the aisle and about 5 min. later he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls. The cashier starts to ring him up and goes, ''you know, i know it's none of my buisness, but i thought you were here for tampons.'' Randy goes, ''well, last week i sent my ol' lady out for smokes and she comes back with Rizlas and tobacco. That ****ing bitch can roll her own too.''
Being lazy, he called the police saying he was being robbed, the desk cop said no one was available, call back in an hour.
The biker hung up, counted to 30 and called again and said I called you earlier about being robbed, don't bother sending anyone I got my gun and shot the punk dead.
Within in minutes the cops arrived guns drawn and arrested the burglar red handed. The ranking officer, with an attitude, said to the biker, the Desk Sargent said you had killed someone.
The biker said that’s funny cause the Desk Sargent told me, “no one was available, call back in an hour.”
----------
Speeding?
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem.
The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
------------------
I Want To Join Your Club!
The little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope... but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times."
--------
A biker, who worked on a horse farm, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. Since it was a rural road with no traffic, the biker tried to get the trooper to let him off with a warning. Instead, the trooper lectured the biker about speeding, and in generaly gave the biker a hard time.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The biker said, "Having some problems with Circle Flies ?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of Circle Flies." So the biker says--"Well, Circle Flies are common on farms. See, they're called Circle Flies because they're always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a minute he stops and says, "Hey - Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The biker says, "No officer. I have too much respect for cops to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
As the trooper hands him the ticket, the biker says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."
-----------
Bologna and Cheese
A road worn Biker walked into a whore house, handed the Madam $500. In a slow, gruff voice the Biker told the Madam he wanted a warm beer, a bologna and cheese sandwich, and a fat ugly woman.
Dear sir, the Madam replied, for that kind if money you can have a fine meal, and a beautiful woman.
The Biker peered at the Madam. Look lady, I’m not hungry or horny,,, just home sick.
----------
2 Fleas decide to go to Bike Week at Daytona. the first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. the second flea was very sick. The first flea asks him why he is so sick. the second flea says, I cought a ride in a bikers mustache on the way here it was freezing, sleeting and snowing. The first flea says, Next year do what i do. I go to a colledge dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful girl and catch a ride in her hair. So the next year the first flea again arrives early. the second flea arrives later and he is sick again this year even worse. The first flea asks, why did'nt you try what i told ya to do last year? The second flea says, I DID- I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing i know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.
--------
Randy walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks ''Where are your tampons ?'' The clerk goes, ''Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left.'' Randy disappears down the aisle and about 5 min. later he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls. The cashier starts to ring him up and goes, ''you know, i know it's none of my buisness, but i thought you were here for tampons.'' Randy goes, ''well, last week i sent my ol' lady out for smokes and she comes back with Rizlas and tobacco. That ****ing bitch can roll her own too.''