Bastard operator from HELL! - these are quite funny

[Dan]

It's backup day today so I'm ****ed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not.

A user rings

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask

"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock speed"

"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know when it will be fixed?"

"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print.."

"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.

You'd really think people would learn not to call..

The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a gruff voice

"HELLO, SALARIES!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"

"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!"

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.

"Hello?" she answers

"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"

"I think so..." she says

"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"

"Um. Ok"

"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."

I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...

"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON.."

She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?

Another user rings.

"I need more space" he says

"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid? Uh-Oh..

"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matine Feature "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"

"Sure, hang on"

I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.

"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"

"How much have I got?" he simps

Now this *REALLY* *****ES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I don't give them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining power

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."

"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"

I say nothing. It'll come to him.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghh hhhH!"

I kill me; I really do!

[Dan]

I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings me on the phone. I pick it up.

"Hello?" I say.

"Who is this?" they say

"It's me I think" I say, having successfully attended a telephone skills course

"Me Who?"

"Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself having to end this game.

Too LATE! I get killed.

Now I'm ****ed!

"What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs)

"Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.."

"Which package is that?"

"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called."
>clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e<

"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.."

"oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at home in case the worst happens.."

"The worst?"

"Well, like they get deleted or something..."

"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups!" (I'm such a ******) "What was your username?"

He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot)

>clickety clikc<

"But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping from my vocal chords.

"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!"

So first he spoils my x-tank game, and *now* he's calling me a liar...

>clickety click<

"Oh no, I made a mistake" I say

Did he mutter "typical" under his breath??!? Oh dear, oh dear..

"I MEANT TO SAY: That USERNAME doesn't exist"

"Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!"

"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this morning, the... uh... DE VINCI Virus, wipes out users who are logged in when it goes off."

"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"

"Which one was that?"

He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn..

"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."... >clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files"

"But..."

"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape"

"Oh, thank goodness!!!"

"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil? SEE YOU IN THE MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

[Dan]

It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings.

"I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams

"Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting "Blade Runner" back into it's cover and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities"

Hook; Line; and Sinker...

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password to something nasty in the next couple of days.

"Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.

Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood.

"Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename"

"Thanks"

"No worries" (Now I'm in a *REALLY* good mood. I think I just might write that script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been thinking about)

The phone rings again.

"Hello?"

"Hi there" I say

"Is this the Operators?"

"Yes it is" I say, nice as pie

"Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed them over 5 minutes ago"

"Your username?" I ask

He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say, and head to the printers.

There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink- stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well.

Beautiful.

"Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer problems."

He takes a look and ****s himself.

"Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried

"Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today"

"Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"

"Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek

"It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"

I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately - I don't want to miss this!

"W-w-what's happened to my printout?" the geek squeals at me. Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for torture.

"Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good compared to some we get"

Geek pays up and starts blubbing.

"Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on it?"

He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and buzz them thru the bulk eraser. I come back out again.

"Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok, and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."

"GREAT!"

"No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."

"Huh?"

"No arguements, just do it."

He wanders off, hand held high. ****, I hate myself sometimes!

[Spider]

lol is that actually what you do or is it a joke cause if it is what you do then your ****iong evil lol!!! can i be your apprentice!! lol

[Doninha Princesa]

oh god, that is truely evil, you don't really do that do you?? God i'm never gonna phone a helpline or helpdesk or even a ****ing food delivery service again!! what idiots fall for that ****!!


Truely EVIL Ilove it!!
as spider say's, any jobs going?? Im not good with pc's but i'm very good at ****ing them up and deleting things so maybe i'd be ok!!! LOL
:evil: :twisted: :wink:

[Dan]

Sounds like you'd be fine here then - and we're only in Dagenham :lol:

[Spider]

ohhh ohh can i have a job i have computer experiance and knowlage and qualifactions!!! and i can be a proper bastard lol!!!

am i qualified enough!!!

??

[Doninha Princesa]

I'll keep it in mind if I ever get truely ****ed off at the world and want to get payed for bullying geeks hmmm i might not have too much longer,

by the way you'd better give spider a job to stop him bouncing up and down with his hand in the air!!! LOL
hey may-be i am ready for that job!!!
:wink:

[Dan]

heh.

That lot up there wasnt from me, I found em on a website somewhere and they made me laugh.

We were round Harold Hill last night on our bikes, it was soooo nice and cool ridin about - its too hot.

[Spider]

lol smillies very funny he he and hey i dont bounce up and down with man hand in the air all the time!

[Doninha Princesa]

Yeah Dan, Fingerz mentioned you were out for a ride, lucky gits, i was stuck sweating in my little shoe box, oh i mean office!!! whilst you guys are out cruising the streets!! :x

no spider, it just sounded very much like you were, jumpin up and down, hand in the air going ''oh oh oh give me the job, me, me, me!!''LOL hey i'm only kidding wit you. :lol:

[Spider]

grrr!!! i was only joking!! :oops: :x

[Dan]

What do you do for a living then?

[Spider]

who me?

[Doninha Princesa]

na spi, you work in a supermarket!, I'm a receptionist in a hotel although somenights i'm a waitress in the restaurant next door to the hotel, depends where my boss need's me to go!

Prefere the restaurant cause it's busy and there are people to talk to and its not as bloody hot or boring, don't like getting all dirty though, or coming home smelling of pizza and chicken and stuff, Yuk!! Thats when i get all girly and go Ewwww!!!! and Yuk!!!!!

[Doninha Princesa]

na spi, you work in a supermarket!, I'm a receptionist in a hotel although somenights i'm a waitress in the restaurant next door to the hotel, depends where my boss need's me to go!

Prefere the restaurant cause it's busy and there are people to talk to and its not as bloody hot or boring, don't like getting all dirty though, or coming home smelling of pizza and chicken and stuff, Yuk!! :cry: Thats when i get all girly and go Ewwww!!!! and Yuk!!!!! :D :lol:

[Spider]

great job!

[Spider]

hey sarah and people check this out my m8 has been playing with some images and seeing as there funny it can come under joker so you do not have to delete this post dan check it out

http://www.spiderug.com

i thin there funny

[Doninha Princesa]

thats kool, like the underground sign :) x

[Spider]

lol yeah i couldnt stop laughing when i saw all that cause i had asked me m8 to design me a logo and he came up with them but they are funny as anything!!

[Dan]

Sorry guys un girlies - please keep the chat in Romford Market or the HELLOOO forum please ;)

... just trying to keep the forum in toe :lol:

[Doninha Princesa]

sorry boss. xx

[Spider]

hey you delted my post :cry: :cry: :cry:

[Dan]

OFF TOPIC!

[Spider]

aha but you didnt delete sarahs ah favourites A hers was off topic!!! aha now you got to delete the next 4 posts 5 f you reply

[Pinky]

Heh :)

Some of my m8s in my IT class are just as bad (taking first year of Advanced computer support tech btw)

My dumbass m8 just asked me why his comp keeps bleeping , i said what it just started beeping and won't boot ? he goes "yeah it was dusty so i took the ram out to clean it" u blown it i says and he is still telling me that i am wrong , can't even stick a stick of ram in , and these are the next generation of computer experts :lol:

dunno how the fool got into the course :)

[Spider]

lol or maybe he spent so much money on the ram he doesnt want to belive that its blown just like me with my old Gforce 4 ti 4600 128 it died but i wouldnt belive it! but now i got me a nice little GeForce FX5600 Ultra 256mb DDR and i ran halo at full spec now waiting for Half Life 2 to come out ive already got a leaked source version!

[Biker Dude]

lol...a leaked source vers that looks good even tho the sound, graphics, game play and everything else still isnt finished!!

[Tark]

I cant do anything Mod like in this forum! Thats why its going down the Pan! :lol:

[Biker Dude]

LOL Tark, it's not ur fault ur crap!!

[Dan]

you can now 8)

[Tark]

Hahaha! I am Almighty!! :lol: :lol:

Feel my Wake as I pass! :P

[Biker Dude]

errrmm, i'd rather not feel anythin of urs buddy!

[Doninha Princesa]

err yeah i would rather you didnt either! :? lol

[Biker Dude]

lmfao...... i'll have to save it all for u then...;)

*mental note* dont mention private live stuff on EB */mental note*

{Edited by Tark. Only use {EB} to mask foul Language :wink: }